Building a Strong Relationship with my Surrogate
Photograph by Belliam Photos
By Isaac, JA Intended Parent
A long time ago, as my journey to become a father was beginning, I came to Canada to meet with my surrogate, Vanessa, and her son Oliver before our first transfer. Since then, it has been on my heart to write about my experience. Now, as the journey comes to an end and I am about to head back home with my newborn son, I feel I have the clarity needed to put it all into words.
Today, it is impossible to imagine how different our journey would have been had I not taken that first trip to Canada to meet with Vanessa and her son. After all, it was where our strong relationship truly began. I suppose one of the main reasons this relationship was important to me is that I do not have a partner to share this journey with. I am a single father. I do have a beautiful family and many friends who support me, but the surrogacy journey was one in which I was alone for the milestones. Alone while I waited, alone to search, alone for each milestone during the pregnancy.
I knew Vanessa at that time, but only on a screen. We stayed in contact with two or three Skype calls and many weekly texts, but not in person. And I felt that I needed to be closer to the one who would take care of my son nine months of his life. I wished to be able to share a little bit of her life. To remain close to her was to know how my son was growing throughout her pregnancy. I came to know her home, her beautiful son Oliver, her life (amazing), her honest look, beautiful smile and her open communication. I could take my 2020 holidays in February, and I was able to travel to Canada to meet her.
Those days I remember to be so nice, for each of us respectively. We discovered there was a wonderful similarity between us and the opportunity to build a strong relationship of trust. Vanessa had chosen me because I wanted to be a single father, as she is a single parent herself. It was the second reason I chose her, with the first being for her heart of humanity. Here began the next step, where we became a chosen family and began to grow a strong bond between us. We share a past and we continued to learn more about one another. And without searching, the real personal bond between us grew stronger.
When I returned home, I knew I had made this trip as I needed and wanted to because it allowed me to be close to the person who was making this journey of surrogacy possible. For Vanessa, it was the same and it re-affirmed to her that she had the right match and felt supported and confident that I would be there to support her in the following months.
It wasn’t long until we got the green light to go to transfer, and in a moment, we were ready to truly begin the process. I remember when she was cleared by the clinic for transfer. We were visiting a museum, we hugged each other and celebrated that something amazing had begun. I’ll remember this hug for all my days. Like a stop motion. Though slightly odd, as I had never celebrated a women’s period before in my life (lol).
I know now, with my son Nathan in my arms, how strong an intended parent and surrogate relationship can be. In our story, we deepened the love and bond between us. We were so excited to discover a new family model that we wished for when our journey first began. It was beyond what we had hoped, we could not have known it before Nathan was born. And truly, I didn’t expect it to be so powerful. Today my reality is this – a dream come true. A piece of Canada, will always be a part of my little prince.
I’m sure that every intended father has their own story that leads them to surrogacy. And it’s a personal choice of how close you wish to be involved in your surrogates life. My advice to other intended parents, wherever you are, if you could organize one trip before your surrogate’s generous delivery, know that she would appreciate it so much. Without any doubt. And you will be so grateful you did it. I know this amazing trip could be expensive if you are outside of Canada, but in my case, I changed my destination holiday that year and it was worth it. I couldn’t be more grateful to have taken this opportunity back in February 2020.
Today, I have a beautiful new family. My family has grown in love and size because it now includes Vanessa and Oliver. And it is one that is filled with ease, respect for all, and so much love.
Thank you to JA Surrogacy for bringing this amazing person into my life. I have said this before, as does the whole JA team, it truly does take a village. Our village. My thank you to everyone, and of course, always to my beautiful Vanessa.
Photograph by Belliam Photos
